ABOUT THE AUTHOR
...Of It's Better Tinned Than Fresh.
Shaun Garrod (featured, left) was born at the age of
seven inside one of the cooling towers of Ratcliff on Soar power
station. He spent a further seventeen years studying hard for
A levels and eventually earned his degree in charcoal manufacture.
Upon returning from university Shaun moved house to the outskirts
of London where he bought a disused well with attached bucket
and rope. He lived here for two years but had to move because
of subsidence. He then moved back to the Midlands and got a job
as a professional stunt man. During his fifteen years of stunt
work, Shaun also continued hard with his hobby of experimenting
and amazingly he invented tobacco and alcohol. It was after these
inventions that he turned down the offers of marriage from Xena,
Warrior Princess and that bird out of Jurassic Park. It was just
after these offers that Shaun left the stunt world and settled
down in his 6.3 million pound mansion for five years in order
for him to write.
His time at home proved fruitful; not only did he write all of the James Bond and Carry On films but he wrote the novel War and Peace and translated it into over six hundred different languages. It was this work that brought added fortune to his already massive personal wealth. Unfortunately though, with the wealth came the women. To date Shaun has had sex with well over nineteen thousand women. Alas, it was his 'love for the ladies' that caused him to be declared bankrupt in the late 1960's. Living in poverty for a good few years, little did Shaun know that his fortune was about to change for the better...
It had just turned 1972 and Shaun, drowning his sorrows
in a London bar, bumped into astronaut Buzz Aldrin. They got chatting
and they got on well. That was the last Shaun heard from Buzz.
However, six months later a letter arrived through the post. It
was an invitation to join one of the manned Lunar missions! Shaun
couldn't believe his luck! He left Earth on November 6th, 1973
and was on the Moon in time for lunch. He returned home the following
day. It was these Lunar landings that refound his fame and fortune.
With a vigour that he had not felt since the early '60's, Shaun
began to write again.
The novels flowed; Jurassic Park, The Silence of the Lambs, My Girl, Dunston Checks In, Ghostbusters, Bigfoot and the Hendersons, Little Big Man (all of which were made into critically acclaimed Hollywood blockbusters). Along with the movies came the money. Shaun was back on top.
Shaun continues to write and act on stage today and can still be seen in cameo appearances in films and TV. In 1996 he won an Oscar for his lifetime contribution to stage, film and television. At the age of 28, we hope he continues his work for many more years. Sir, from all of us, we salute you!
Biography written by the author.
UPDATED INFORMATION, ADDED 1st MAY, 2001.
Sadly, on March 15th 2000 Shaun quietly passed away in his sleep in a blood-curdlingly horrific neon sign/airship accident. However, in accordance with his will solicitors made sure he was cryogenicly frozen. Upon going through his research papers though it was discovered that Shaun had discovered a cure for death! These details were given to the finest surgeons in the world and they successfully brought Shaun back to life exactly one year later, The only physical evidence that could be found on his body that proved that he had been dead was a small scar on the left heel of his right leg. Unfortunatley, the 'cure for death' that Shaun had found was tragically lost in a bizarre traditional ale/fake Mars landing incident. Shaun has been unable to recall his cure and the surgeons have forgotten it too.
In late May of 2000 Shaun bought a small 'holiday retreat' island just off the west coast of Ireland called North America. He intends to go there at least fifty times a year to relax, as soon as he can find his birth certificate and driving licence so that he can send off for his passport.
Recent rumours floating around cyberspace also suggest that Shaun may well become the first ever 'King of Everything' where duties will include representing Earth when we go to meetings with aliens and all that sort of thing. He will also be responsible for trying to stop aliens having space fights with each other - a sort of 'middle man', if you will. I asked Shaun recently about the rumours and he just gave me one of his famous cheeky grins and a wink. Then he pointed his finger at me and walked off to his private jet. However, as with most internet rumours, these should be taken with a pinch of salt!
It is now widly accepted that Shaun Garrod is 'one of the good guys', one 'hell of a funny guy', a 'good old stick in the mud', a 'really likeable sort of chap', a 'friend that's worth keeping', a 'brilliant minded human being', a 'great bloke'. I don't care what anyone else thinks, I just know that he's great!
SHAUN-O-FACTS (July 13th, 2002) - Some quick fire facts about your hero!
- Michael Winner, the famous film director and food critic, says that Shaun is his best friend.
- And so does David Hasselhoff.
- And the bloke out of 'Manimal'.
- Shaun's favourite food is mackeral and watercress (but not together, of course!).
- Shaun's favourite colour is blue.
- Shaun's favourite sound is 'mmmmgghhhhmmmmgghhhdwwwddddddsshhh'.
- During the long hot summer of 1991, on Long Marston airfield near Stratford upon Avon in Warickshire, England, Shaun and his best friend Zack taught a ladybird how to speak.
- Whilst out partying one night in late October 1993, Shaun fell out of a fifth floor window. Fortunately the ground broke his fall and the only injuries he sustained was a bruising to his pride!
- The character 'Superman', it is rumoured, is based on Shaun.
- Shaun invented wrestling.
- Shaun was arrested in 1983 for bursting the moon after he fired the world's most powerful catapult (loaded with a really sharp pig) at it. The charges against him were dropped however when he repaired the damged caused using a revolutionary corrugated leather and hot expanded polystyrene repair procedure that he had invented.
- Shaun ended a relationship with a woman once when he found out from her best friend the devastating news that she was having an affair with Dhalsim out of popular computer game 'Street Fighter 2'.
Pictured right - Dhalsim out of Street Fighter 2.
- Shaun invented a time machine once but before he had time to get inside it and try it out his pet frog accidently knocked it into first gear and sent it zooming off forward in time without him. It is expected to reappear on February 2nd, 3084. The frog was unharmed.
- Shaun is the talent behind many, many popular TV shows. Over the last few years he is the man who has brought you hits such as 'The World's Most Dangerous Fungi', 'When Fridges Defrost', 'Wacky Crazy Zany Guys', 'Animal Abattoir', 'Animal Abattoir Christmas Special', 'Animal Abattoir - Live!' and 'Aren't Kids Just Plain Fucking Stupid?'.
- Shaun actually did once find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He did this by driving really, really fast to the end of the rainbow before it went back into space or something. He gave the gold to charity.
- Shaun likes Absinth.
- Shaun finds David Dickinson off BBC1 TV show Bargain Hunt extremely frightening.
More Shaun-O-Facts coming soon!
