Let's start with this chap, Mickey Onslaught. Just look at him - he looks a right daft cunt! To tell you the truth I'm quite embarassed by this whole affair, I usually get to host award ceremonies and the like but times are hard at the moment, you know how it is. Anyway, oh yeah, this bloke, Mickey Onslaught, what a fucking tosser! Let's meet him...

Yippee! Mickey Onslaught's the name, onslaught is NOT the game! Wooooo! Yeah! I'm fucking MAD me! You probably guessed that...no, not from the way I talk but from the way I dress! Just look at me! LOOK! I'm a fucking MANIAC! I'm wearing a shirt but one sleeve is short and the other is long! What a crazy bastard, eh?! Yep, I am! And another thing, the long sleeve is flared like flared trousers! And my shirt's got a Superman logo on the front! I've not got many freinds and me mum hates me guts BUT COULD I GIVE A FUCK? COULD I BOLLOCKS! I'm so mad that I even eat raw uncooked noodles, straight out the packet! I'm 37 years old and I haven't got a moustache or a beard.